180?

what a turn my life has taken since my last and previous posts.

ive kinda lost my touch in writting. i dont really know now what to talk about anymore.
khloe and ariel are getting big. i feel like ive lost my touch as this perfect mother once i started growing with khloe and ariel. it just takes so much time to dedicate 100% to them. More now that im starting an independent life.

in a way i understand my mom and why she was the way she was with my brothers and i. i never understand her neglect and anger. Most of the time still today i dont but i do get it. sometimes people handle pressure differently than others. Especially being a leo mother. Im trying to be as strong as i can with everything going on..

i never really had structure in my life. i didnt have a father and the mother i did have was never quite there for me. i struggled a lot growing up. and i would hate for khloe and ariel to go through that. but in a way they are. the separation of their parents is hurting them more than anything. and i feel so bad. i might have moved too quickly into a new relationship. but i felt so unhappy for so long. so unwanted unloved. i finally found someone who could love me. and still... i never really learned how to love, nor how to do it right. ive always been a free soul. ive been alone for so long, starting a family is new. and being in a serious relationship is new. growing up and realizing how pointless my life was i just didnt care. i roamed the streets from the morning to late at night. i remember being called a street rat. a hoodlum. stealing and begging for money. until i finally found a job. didnt last long of course, my mother, didnt like the fact i was making and had my own money. being a minor in high school i couldnt do anything about it. my life isnt or wasnt as bad as a lot more people in the world. i went through some tough times but now? its not going too well either. probably the lowest ive felt in a long while.

my boyfriend make me happy. most of the time. but ive been getting myself into trouble. i guess it goes back to not having structure of love. i should respect and love him endlessly. but where do we learn that in the first place? from our parents? i never had an ounce of respect for my mom. let alone anyone else. i loved a lot, but the way i know how to love. which is tough i guess. i love him though... i hope he understands that..

I want to focus on so many things at once... being an independent mother. being a mother, a great and fun mother. i want to continue pursuing my interest in photography and film. i want to achieve so many goals. i want to be able to go to school and get my degree, whether it be an AA or bachelors. and of course learning and focusing on being a better girlfriend. all positive things in my life that can be greater for the future. i look forward to it. i hope i can continue to have the strive and the strong state of mind to progress.

till next time bloggers.

CAMERA ACTION

so I love photography.

duh.

i am not the best at it.
but i love my work.
because it is MY work u know?
if i make a happy face imma love that ish.

i cant wait to start getting into film.
like
my head is big for a reason; all these damn ideas for filming make me want to go crazy!

but in due time(February) ill be ready yo.

and bitches dont be like "tax money" yea bitch tax money so da fuck what. "you should use that money for your babies" bitch unlike YOU my babies have everything they need and more, plus xmas just passed da fuck else you want me to buy them?! fuck nosey as bitches, be nosey about what im really about.

shit.

truuuuffffff...

anyways.

i forgot what ELSE i was going to write...

these hoes got me fucked up. lollllll

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BULL

i cant stand bullies. dont get me wrong, im a big bully and i can be a beezy at times, but i say i dont like bullies because i dont want my daughters to be bullies or to have them deal with bullies... because that means those bullies? will be seeing me O_O lol but the most important thing i try to teach my girls is love. love themselves love their family their sister love their toys! when people post those "bitches be like... light skinned" and its a picture of some dark ass female, its funny of course, but its being a bully. and i wouldn't want someone to do that to my daughters or my family and vice versa. (didn't yall watch freedom writers? damn) and sometimes, its about not caring so much. if this dark bitch is saying shes light skinned lol then ok! you're light skinned what do i care if you aren't. if it makes you feel better and beautiful you say it girlfrem. if people want to talk about music and say you're not a fan because you only know two songs, what do you care! artists love all types of fans whether you know a song or five songs. instead be like "aw! you only know two songs?! here's the cd listen to the whole thing become a real fan because she is a dope artist." If your child is being bullied at school you dont tell him/her "ah get over it, you dont need friends anyways!" wtf is wrong with you? your child, your baby is getting bullied on at school and if you guys remember getting bullied? it hurts so much! it hurts that someone would think so poorly of you. YOU need to be his/her friend when that situation comes. you are your child's best friend along side of being everything else, and especially a loving mother to them. of course you dont want to baby them too much, but a little bit is fine, because you never know what will happen tomorrow.  of course i dont have all the answers to YOUR problems but this is what i go by. and i like talking about how i feel on fb because i dont have someone to hear me out at times. but just something to ponder about. if you have a different philosophy about these topics I honestly respect the fact that at least you have something you go by and stand by for the sake of yourself and your children thats great... but if your child is the one bullying my babies? imma bite your face. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Broken?

How do you fix something thats broken?
in reality, most of the things we break, we just end up throwing away.

but in depth of that, why do we throw things away? is it because the value of the item is now worthless? is it because you know you will never end up fixing it anyway?

i wonder if anyone thinks this way, "well even if i fix it i dont want it. i want a new one."

some of those broken items, have been with us for many years so why throw it away now? or is it time for a new one....

maybe its easier to just buy a new one than to fix something with personal value.

but then, will that be the case when that item breaks as well?

Women Now and Later

When i see people judge kim kardashian, i always hear the word slut, whore, she sucks dick, she fucked ray j blah blah.

i honestly dont understand what all this judgement is about.

half of my 8th grade class was sucking dick. i remember hearing about a girl going behind the portables and she sucked two guys' dicks at the same time!

but no god forbid you are anything near what kim kardashian is.

i also realize, that the judgement comes from a certain age group of men and womyn.
young adults have better things to think about either than sex. they have their whole lives to think about especially if you are around the age of 20.

ive also noticed that once you are around the age of 30, womyn are already at that stage of life they had hoped to be in when they were 20. so once you have the education, the apartment or home, the good paying job and its all part of your routine, what is it that you look forward to? well if you're a single 30 year old or in a relationship, its always about sex. i think being around older womyn my whole life i understand certain situtions like if i were a 30 year old.

so we go back to kim kardashian.

shes in her 30s, i think its totally normal the way she goes about life i see it no different than any other 30 year old. At least she has never cheated on any of her boyfrems/husbands. shes loyal and crazy.

and her sex tape? its ray j's sex tape too but i find it funny that no one gives a shit about that nigga being in it. plus that was her boyfrem, my boyfrem and i have done a sex tape it is not a big deal, its a way to bring some spunk into your sex life. Anyways, whatever you do in your sex life is your own shit. Ray j put that video out purposely, to be like "yea i fuck bad bitches" fuck you im glad it back fired and kim got the recognition. tryna put her on blast, dumb ass.

so just keep in mind that once yu reach your 30s its all about sssssseeexxxxxx lol

Ohh Geez.

under construction?
well, guys...
i'm trying to stay away from being so public. i want to stay hidden for a while, but yet a tad bit exposed. Not many people will read this, but i will pour my heart away on my blog anyway.

i think i was trying to go at myself to quickly.

i know who i want to be in life. i dont know/didn't know how to go about doing that, so i was just accepting and going at situations all the wrong way, and my own self is well organized. i need to organize myself, my home, my family, and then my profession. Once i got all that under control, ill get my business in order.

but dont fret my peeps.

im here. and ill be back out soon.

for now. its fish and white rice while watching sex and the city.

SERIOUSLY

if your mormon or jehovah witness thats cool it dosent bother me i love you just the way you are this has nothing to do with you as a person...


BUT WTF!

i dont even like people coming to my house unexpected let alone people i dont know!
then your gunna come at like 8 in the morning, niggas is sleeping, and talk about "are you prepared for jehovah's return" -_______- no im not please leave. well do you own a bible? OMG!

so insistant on getting you to converted into one of them!

totally reminds me of a gang. they are tryna recruit people; make them believe they are one of you! how you gunna go door to door talking what i should believe in, i already told you im catholic my husband is christian its already complicated! i dont need another religion all up in my face.

and best believe i told them that the last time they came. now idk who these people are but TODAY aint yo day! luckily we were leaving when they got their lol but i would of been like please i dont want "you guys" coming to my house anymore please.

i remember when those other guys would come, elmer would get so mad! he was working grave yard and these guys would come hella early like an hour after he got home from work lol and he told them on his day off like i work graveyard you guys come blah blah, and their like so whens a good time for you? uh NEVER!

but elmers to soft to tell them that lol

its just like if people want to be mormon or jehovah or atheist or catholic just LET THEM decided for themselves you dont need to be going to peoples houses tryna talk about what you believe in and come to our church if you do believe. WE KNOW your their! if we want to we will go ourselves!

and if I TELL YOU im catholic be happy that i have faith and believe in god! dont try to change my beliefs!

plus if you reeeeeally want to talk? ill give you something to talk about!!!

so have a good day and god bless.