180?

what a turn my life has taken since my last and previous posts.

ive kinda lost my touch in writting. i dont really know now what to talk about anymore.
khloe and ariel are getting big. i feel like ive lost my touch as this perfect mother once i started growing with khloe and ariel. it just takes so much time to dedicate 100% to them. More now that im starting an independent life.

in a way i understand my mom and why she was the way she was with my brothers and i. i never understand her neglect and anger. Most of the time still today i dont but i do get it. sometimes people handle pressure differently than others. Especially being a leo mother. Im trying to be as strong as i can with everything going on..

i never really had structure in my life. i didnt have a father and the mother i did have was never quite there for me. i struggled a lot growing up. and i would hate for khloe and ariel to go through that. but in a way they are. the separation of their parents is hurting them more than anything. and i feel so bad. i might have moved too quickly into a new relationship. but i felt so unhappy for so long. so unwanted unloved. i finally found someone who could love me. and still... i never really learned how to love, nor how to do it right. ive always been a free soul. ive been alone for so long, starting a family is new. and being in a serious relationship is new. growing up and realizing how pointless my life was i just didnt care. i roamed the streets from the morning to late at night. i remember being called a street rat. a hoodlum. stealing and begging for money. until i finally found a job. didnt last long of course, my mother, didnt like the fact i was making and had my own money. being a minor in high school i couldnt do anything about it. my life isnt or wasnt as bad as a lot more people in the world. i went through some tough times but now? its not going too well either. probably the lowest ive felt in a long while.

my boyfriend make me happy. most of the time. but ive been getting myself into trouble. i guess it goes back to not having structure of love. i should respect and love him endlessly. but where do we learn that in the first place? from our parents? i never had an ounce of respect for my mom. let alone anyone else. i loved a lot, but the way i know how to love. which is tough i guess. i love him though... i hope he understands that..

I want to focus on so many things at once... being an independent mother. being a mother, a great and fun mother. i want to continue pursuing my interest in photography and film. i want to achieve so many goals. i want to be able to go to school and get my degree, whether it be an AA or bachelors. and of course learning and focusing on being a better girlfriend. all positive things in my life that can be greater for the future. i look forward to it. i hope i can continue to have the strive and the strong state of mind to progress.

till next time bloggers.